It was a rough week in the PCU. Patients were coding left and right, circling the drain, and they all seemed to come from our area of the unit. It was like a black cloud was hanging over our little group of nurses. I dragged myself to work, and dragged myself through each of my three shifts, and my heart skipped a beat every time someone’s O2 sats dropped or I heard a telemetry alarm sound. By this morning, I wondered how I could ever go back.
I know I work in critical care and this is to be expected. I know I personally didn’t make mistakes that led to the codes or the deaths, nor did anyone else. We all busted our butts to take care of these patients. As my preceptor put it, people die here.
But this whole experience is not what I thought it would be, and it is wearing on me. My training wheels come off after next week. Intellectually I know I could handle it but I know I’ll be miserable. I told S tonight that I’m worried my increasing migraines, exhaustion, emotional lability, anxiety dreams and overall blah-ness are signs that I’m getting to a breaking point.
I went into nursing to take care of people, and that is not what I am doing right now, at least not according to my personal definition. I am passing meds, titrating drips, turning bodies every two hours, triple-charting because we’re still in the Dark Ages, struggling to manage my time, and praying at the end of the shift my patients are still alive. I’m not meeting their needs holistically. I love the time I have one-on-one with each patient. There’s just not enough of it in between everything else.
I met a new RN resident this morning during report – it was her first day and she had that deer-in-headlights look about her that I had in April. I thought to myself, “Damn, I have learned a TON these past four months.” I do appreciate the nursing knowledge that I have gained from this experience. These are technical skills that will make me a better nurse overall.
But technical skills have very little to do with my career goals. Sedation, intubation, pressors, rhythms, emergency surgery at the bedside. I could care less.
I don’t belong here.
4 comments
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Jen says:
August 16, 2010 at 7:28 pm (UTC -8 )
Ouch, your job sounds really painful and draining right now. What area do you think would be a better fit for you? I wonder what personal qualities it takes of the nurses that handle the environment you are in well.
Teeny says:
August 17, 2010 at 4:32 pm (UTC -8 )
Jen,
My response would be “To each their own”. For my nursing theory class over the summer we had to write a personal nursing theory paper, and I realized after a lot of reflection that my own reasons for becoming a nurse and my personal philosophies don’t align very well with critical care nursing. That’s okay – there are a lot of great critical care nurses out there and we sure as heck need them. I just don’t personally fit well in this specialty. Intellectually it interests me, but in practice it just doesn’t suit my personality or my comfort level.
I’m trying like heck to get into oncology, hopefully someday pediatric oncology. My goal is to do either hospice care or be an oncology nurse navigator (or heck, do both part-time), and also get my Ph.D and teach/do research. I don’t think I’ll last long in acute care nursing, but I know I need to do a few years to get my skills up to par. I can’t believe how much I’ve already learned in only 4 1/2 months!
Kim says:
August 20, 2010 at 3:21 pm (UTC -8 )
I thing you are just going through a developmental phase here – it’s normal to think “I don’t belong here” as you are more and more responsible for patients and you have a bad period of codes and death.
It’s rough.
But…as you get more experience, you will find ways to address your patients in a holistic manner – the technical stuff will become just that, technical, and becomes second nature, giving you room to focus on the entire patient.
However, you know yourself and your personality. If critical care is not for you, it won’t be a failure if you leave. You have gained an enormous amount of knowledge, an understanding of a nursing specialty, an understanding of future patients who have been in an ICU and more prioritizing skill than you realize!
Now take that knowledge and grow in the direction best for you.
Teeny says:
August 22, 2010 at 11:48 am (UTC -8 )
Thank you for your valuable feedback, Kim! I really appreciate it!
I am planning to meet with my managers this week and figure out what to do about this. I think that my recent health issues are my body’s way of communicating that I am stressed more than I even realized. I can’t keep going the way I’m going. So it’s time to communicate openly with the powers that be and see what they say.
Change Of Shift: The Best Of Nursing Shared (Vol. 5, No. 4) - Better Health says:
August 24, 2010 at 8:38 am (UTC -8 )
[...] Teeny of The Makings of a Nurse is at a crossroads and feeling Deflated. Have you ever been [...]