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Sep
20

The Search Continues

I had a voicemail waiting for me this morning from my manager, who claims he tried to reach me last week (though I have neither a voicemail nor a missed call from any hospital-related number).

The verdict is that I will no longer be working in critical care. The recommendations by my neurologist (that I not work nights and work no more than 32 hours a week until I am stable) were apparently too complicated to accommodate.

So my leave of absence continues for 30 more days while I try to find a job elsewhere in the hospital system. My job search outside has also stepped up in anticipation that this might happen. If no one else in the system will hire me, I will be let go completely.

It’s bittersweet, actually. Even though I’ve struggled in critical care, there’s a small voice in my head, berating me for not being tougher, for not sticking it out. I know that’s silly, considering I’ve been in migraine hell, but I’ve never been a quitter.

I’m also peeved about how this whole situation progressed. The lack of communication and support overall was disheartening, and I realized that to survive in nursing, I’m going to need a thicker skin. Not to protect me against patients, but to steel me against managers who don’t manage well. I’ve become quite cynical about counting on others, and that makes me sad.

Of course I’m panicking about money too. Thank goodness S has a full-time job and I have school loans, but I need to find something sooner rather than later.

And then there is the penultimate question: Where do I belong in nursing? Halfway through my first year of being an RN and I’m already out of my first job. In a job market that is near impossible for new grads, how am I going to find my way back into this amazing but amazingly frustrating profession? There has been a lot of soul searching but unfortunately few answers at the end of each day.

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