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Apr
17

Decisions, Decisions

My official acceptance letter from school is sitting on my desk, nagging me to send in my deposit.  I was waiting until the end of the month, when I had more money.  But now that my future is staring me in the face, I am delaying what I thought was the inevitable.

Why?  Definitely because I am afraid of leaving my mom alone.  My sister and I both leave for grad school within a month of one another and our girl time has gotten us all through a difficult year.  Friends and family have reassured us that they will step in and be there for her, but what happens when everyone goes home at the end of the day?

It’s also because I have actually enjoyed living in my hometown.  I know, horror of horrors.  Those of you who know me well will wonder what I did with the real Nurse Teeny, because I have been itching to get out of dodge for as long as I can remember.  Especially because this place is not exactly known for being a down-to-earth corner of the world.  But my parents said it all along – you find a niche and settle in, and you can actually be quite happy.  Not to mention being surrounded by all these beautiful people is great motivation to get back to the gym.

And then there’s this latest little wrinkle.  Recently I have been dating this man who is absolutely wonderful.  Obviously it’s early yet and we’re both completely twitterpated so he could turn out to be a complete a-hole, but somehow I just don’t see that happening.  All of the qualities I knew I wanted and deserved after my disastrous marriage ended have come together in this one person who is completely rocking my world.  We are compatible in every way possible (so far): same values, same interests, same romantic sensibilities (in spite of all the b.s. the world has thrown at both of us), similar life experiences and amazing chemistry.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.  I was supposed to get back in the dating game, meet a few decent guys and go on a few decent dates, get my confidence back and then move on up to my new city without giving it a second thought.  Instead this happens.  I guess what they say is true – life IS what happens when you’re making other plans.

The independent feminist in me screams “What the hell do you think you’re doing, even remotely considering allowing a boy to influence your future?”  This is especially true since I basically put my life on hold to get married the first time.  I promised myself that if I did meet Mr. Wonderful, one of his qualities would have to be supporting my dreams wholeheartedly (as I would support his).

I know I have to go to school.  I did the right thing and waited a year so that I could be with my father, but I shouldn’t wait any longer, especially given this amazing opportunity to live in a city I’ve always wanted to live in and go to a nursing program with a fantastic reputation.  I know my mom needs to be able to live her life without us constantly there.  I know that if I do love living here, I can always come back.  In the grand scheme of things, four years really isn’t that long.  And yes, I know that with this new relationship, “what’s meant to be will be” (how much do I hate that statement and how much have I heard it the last year).  My program is not all that far away, it may be better to be apart for at least my first intense year of nursing school anyway so I can focus, yada yada yada.  Perhaps he can join me there for a couple of years and then we can come back home.  But he’s settled here, and his family is here, and the last thing I want to do is disrupt the life of someone else, no matter how badly I want to be with him.

Waaaaahhhh…..

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