A Shift

First, a disclaimer: I really do love my job. It’s challenging and stimulating and super duper fascinating.

But it’s not where I pictured myself. You know where I pictured myself.

Almost 18 months into life as an RN and I’ve been struggling. Struggling to find my place. Asking myself “Was it all worth it?” Usually the answer is a resounding “Hell yes!” but I have my moments of doubt. Especially when I’ve been feeling so stuck. We’re five months into 2011, which was supposed to be my year and I’m nowhere near reaching my professional or personal goals. S is still working three hours away, couch surfing with friends/racking up points at the Red Roof Inn and coming home on weekends. I’m plodding through grad school, counting the days til graduation, rather than relishing the experience. And in the midst of it all, we’re trying to plan our wedding. For the love…

So I decided to think outside the box and go see an energy healer.

I know, right?

It’s the kind of thing I might have rolled my eyes about a few years ago.

But I remembered when our landlord (fast becoming a friend), who is one of the most warm, positive people I know, emphasized the natural feng shui of the house we are renting from her as a big selling point. She’s all about energy. And when she thoughtfully mused on the possibility that maybe I needed to unblock some energy, I thought “What the hell. It can’t hurt. Bring it on, universe.”

The universe answered.

Ninety profound, powerful, tearful minutes later, I felt like a new person. An exhausted new person. That night I slept like I had never slept before. I felt like my soul had been exorcised and then restored.

During the session, I sobbed my story to a gentle soul with whom I felt completely safe, despite never meeting her before in my life. And I don’t cry to strangers, or even to friends and family (maybe that’s part of my problem…).

Then I laid on a table while she assessed my chakras and read my energy. And told me things about myself she should not have known. And then did rituals to release the negative, painful energy that had been building up inside me. And then we talked about how to nourish myself. And we set goals. Concrete, achievable goals. That were all about me. What a concept.

I won’t claim that life is all roses and puppies now. Nothing has changed externally.

But my outlook is completely new. I wrote to the healer that I feel a “soothing sense of peace” – I am better able to focus, I am more grounded and more in the moment. The future is out of my hands and the best I can do is take care of myself today. Annoyances and work b.s. roll off my back more easily (of course I still get irritated … I’m not Mother Teresa).

So I guess you could say I’m a believer. 🙂

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