Don’t you just love my grammar?
Apologies for the silence. I have so much to say and no time to say it. Grad school is a whole new ballgame. Especially grad school when you are learning and relearning clinical knowledge and skills at an overwhelming depth. The difference between nursing school and this experience is this: in nursing school, I learned what I needed to know to get through the program and pass the NCLEX. A lot of my actual clinical learning has occurred on the job, which I don’t think is unusual at all.
However, training to be an advanced practice provider is on another level. Now I really need to retain this stuff. I need to practice “deep learning”, as my patho professor loves to say. It is a little bit insane. And unfortunately, I am not having fun yet. I’m too busy cramming this sh*t into my brain and hoping it stays put.
I had my first major meltdown last week. At 2 am, I told myself (and S) through my tears that I wanted to be content where I was and I didn’t need these fancy certifications and degrees to be happy in my profession. I sobbed that I just wanted to go home (as in, back to the west coast where my beloved family lives). I complained about working full time and studying full time and never having a day off and wanting to just quit it all and take my damn kids to their damn soccer games on Saturday mornings. Speaking of which, I wanted to have the damn kids before my damn uterus shriveled up and died.
Like I said, meltdown.
I do want to be content where I am. And I sure as hell want to go home…this 3,000-miles-from-family-thing is for the birds, especially when you’re in your 30s and all-you-want-is-to-feel-settled-and-stop-moving-every-damn-year-for-the-love-of-God. And I do want to have the kids and go to the soccer games. But my uterus is still intact and I’m still healthy and a better time for all that will come, but that time is not now.
Sometimes I think S knows me better than I know myself. He looked at me and asked “If you went to work every day doing what you do now (or something similar) without moving forward in your profession, would you really be okay with that?” And unfortunately for me and my sleep patterns, the answer right now is no. Because I went back to work this weekend and got frustrated with things I couldn’t change and patients I couldn’t help and knew that I needed to keep growing and learning.
So we press on…