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Nov
26

Debrief

Well, I survived. Assignments and papers are submitted and all I have left are final exams (one of which has been taken already).

Thank you for the emails and comments I’ve received over the past few weeks. I promise I’m still alive, just digging myself out from under a mountain of patho notes.

I wish I could say I feel relieved … hopefully that feeling will come when I’m *officially* done with the semester from hell. All I can say is I.am.exhausted.

This was definitely the hardest semester I have ever experienced. And I’ve been in school a long time. Part of it is the whole work-school-life balance, part of it is the nature of the classes I am taking and the discomfort of feeling like a newbie all over again.

I don’t really know where I’m headed from here. I’m registered for classes next term (fewer credits than I originally planned) and find myself getting caught up in the excitement of shopping for textbooks and a fancy white coat for my first clinical course. And it is exciting, it’s just oh-so-draining to think about.

I put in a request to reduce my work schedule to .75 (which translates to 5 shifts per pay period instead of 6. One less shift would make all the difference.) My manager said no, which was disconcerting and pretty frustrating. I know he has a unit to manage but I feel that I’ve demonstrated I’m a team player, and he’s not working with me. He knows I would pick up extra shifts. Plus HR apparently “overlooked” my FMLA application, so I could be screwed with the call-outs I’ve accrued in the past two months.

I’m getting that restless feeling I seem to always get after being in the same place for a while. At the same time, I’m scared to leave and deal with the stress of learning a new job in the midst of all this other craziness. Which is worse…the devil I know or the devil I don’t? Plus I feel guilty about leaving before our Go-Live, since I am our unit’s only night-shift Super User. Not to mention the love I have for my co-workers that makes this job bearable. Last month I turned down an interview opportunity in peds hem/onc at another hospital. PEDS HEM/ONC, PEOPLE. What is wrong with me???

I have my moments of loathing my current situation, and then I have a good shift or a good conversation or feel like I’m doing a good job and I think I can stick this out, even on the bad nights. I believe I have something to contribute. And then a new migraine shows up or I get overwhelmed by school, and all bets are off. My confidence withers away and I’m back to feeling like I’m a square peg in a round hole.

It doesn’t help that I fired my therapist and haven’t had time to look for a new one. (N.B.:When you start feeling manipulated by someone who is supposed to be helping you, that is usually a bad sign.)

I wish I had something more positive to report. I wish I was shouting from the rooftops “Yippee, I survived my first semester of NP training and lived to tell the tale!” I wish I didn’t sound like such a damn whiner right now.

But it’s raining outside and for the first time since August I have no homework. I think I’ll go take a nap. 😉

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