Stress Tummy

The stress and anxiety have taken their toll on my body and I have been sick for the last three days. I can’t keep anything down. I actually had to call in sick to work today, which is the first time that has happened. I am also not sleeping through the night. I wake up in fits and starts after dreaming that I did something wrong during my shift.

Apparently I’m not coping well with this transition lol.

My mom pointed out to me that no matter where my first job in nursing is, it’s going to be hard. This is true. But I think part of my struggle is knowing that this is not a specialty where I see myself in the long-term (or even in the short-term). If I was passionate about my practice, the hardship of the transition would feel more like a rite of a passage. Right now it just feels like a gauntlet…to get to what? Sure it will get easier, but when it gets easier, will I love coming to work any more? Not in the job I hold currently.

I know in this economy, beggars can’t be choosers and I should be grateful for having a job. I know I should quit my whining and just show up to work every day and be thankful that I get to be a nurse. It’s what I’ve been working toward for many years.

But if I’ve been working so hard for this, there’s a part of me that is frustrated because this is not where I envisioned myself. I knew it would be a struggle but I thought that I would be doing what I loved. Now I show up for work and just try to get through the shift. And I’m only two months in. That terrifies me.

So I’ve been taking some small steps toward being a bit more proactive. Talking to professors, checking out new job opportunities with fresh eyes. No one’s holding a gun to my head to stay put…just $1000. It’s a lot of money right now, but in the grand scheme of things, what’s more important? I’d never leave without having another option (that would be just plain stupid), but I’m actively looking.

It’s hard because I’m not a quitter. I’m only two months in, and I don’t back down easily to challenges. But it’s not the challenge of the job that’s daunting to me. It’s the knowledge that I took this job because it was a job in nursing. If something comes along that fits me better, I deserve to give myself that shot. Even if it makes me look like a quitter.

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