I’m still under the weather but my PTO hasn’t kicked in yet.  So I dragged myself out of bed this morning and made it to an education day on sheer willpower.

Despite feeling like I needed to ralph throughout the day, I am glad I went. I needed the company of my fellow newbies. I needed to be reminded that as horrible as I felt at the end of my shift last week, I’m not in this alone and we all have bad days.

I also felt somewhat vindicated because when I mentioned what a horrific couple of shifts I had experienced, one of my fellow residents asked who my preceptor had been. Turns out her worst day thus far had been with the same preceptor. We both felt better knowing that perhaps it wasn’t us after all. If both of us had such terrible shifts with the same teacher, perhaps the teacher was part of the problem…

It was the final breakout day of our residency with our unit educators so we all went out to lunch at the end (I choked down a cup of soup and some Sprite). We discussed the residency program and some of the changes and improvements they were hoping to make. They also mentioned how frustrating it is when people leave right as their commitment to the unit is up. And how if someone doesn’t make it, it reflects poorly on whoever interviewed the resident. The educator who interviewed me looked straight at me and said, “So if you don’t make it [Nurse Teeny], I look bad!” I wanted to crawl under the table.

We also discussed different nursing specialties after realizing that quite a few of us had encountered end of life issues over the past few weeks. Everyone mulled over how terrible it would be to work in a specialty like pediatric hospice. Horror of horrors. They all remarked how it would require such intensive therapy (for them) and how awful it would be. I felt so out of place.

While my unit educators were talking about how they preferred the unstable, intubated, sedated, critical of critical patients, I was thinking about my kiddos in peds hem/onc. I was thinking about my cousin who didn’t make it to her first birthday and how thankful our family was for the pediatric hospice that offered her parents a peaceful place to say goodbye. I was thinking about how much I wanted to beg and plead for a job at that hospice and blow this joint.

Hopefully getting back into the swing of things will make me feel more positive about my ability to endure here. I know how much these residency programs invest in their new grad nurses, I know how much I can learn for however long I last, and I know that I have a great support system.

So yes, I am buoyed. I’ll make it. Whatever that means. 🙂

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